There and Back Again

I know, its really not an original title, but I honestly just don’t feel like being original right now. Tolkien puts things so well; why reinvent the wheel?

You probably all would much rather read about my trip: the “there” part. But I think, for me, the “back again” part has been much more of an adjustment, and that is what’s on my mind right now, so that’s what I’ll write about. I will write more about my trip at some other point (for those of you who don’t know, I just spent a month in China).

I returned on Monday, August 1st. I woke up at 3am in Beijing, took multiple planes, and landed in Newark shortly after 11pm on the same day, yet somehow that day was 32 hours long. I got about 3 hours of sleep, and it was nighttime twice.

Being in China was really an adventure, but I didn’t expect how much of an adventure coming back to the States would be. It was a difficult transition, on so many different levels. Physically, I was exhausted, which is to be expected, of course. Emotionally, I was so worn out. I had gotten so attached to my students and to the city of Longde. It was really painful to leave. The entire flight home (when I wasn’t watching feel-good kids’ movies), I was replaying in my mind the way one of my boys wrinkled up his face in distress and tried to wipe away my tears when I said goodbye, or the way one of my girls sobbed in my arms when I hugged her. Only one of my students has email. I have been able to keep in contact with him. Otherwise, I haven’t heard from any of them. I have dreamed of them, though. Literally, every night since I have returned, I have dream of my students. I often catch myself sitting at my computer, looking at pictures of them.

It has also been a struggle to readjust mentally. Pretty much every time I come back from a trip abroad, I struggle with the materialism of our culture. Its hard for me not to become bitter. But it’s also easy for me to eventually sink back into it, which I confess I am ashamed of. How can I live like a normal American when my students, who I love so dearly, smell bad and wear the same clothes every day? I’m not saying I’m going to stop showering and get rid of all my clothes, but I think you get my point.

I went to the Shoprite in the center of town the other day. There were so many white people. Looking like everyone else felt so weird. It was definitely nice not to be a celebrity again. There were no overly-helpful Chinese ladies, chattering away at you in Chinese, trying to help you pick out the best possible cookies. I was anonymous.

Last week, I had the privilege of spending time with my best friend. She was patient enough to listen to my stories for hours. It was a really great opportunity for me to process everything that happened in the last month. We even had noodles with chopsticks, which made me feel a little more at home.

During our debriefing in Beijing, we discussed some common symptoms of re-entry struggles. Here are just a few:

• disorientation/feeling out of place
• loneliness
• feeling like no one else understands
• restlessness
• feeling tired or listless
• critical attitude toward home country
• loss of identity (you’re not a celebrity anymore!)
• confusion of conflicting attitudes
• inability to communicate new ideas

As we were going through these, in my mind I was saying, “Check, check, check...” And sure enough, since coming home, I have experienced each of these to some degree or another.

So now that I’m back and I’ve done quite a bit of adjusting, I’m just trying to figure out how to swing back into my American life but still hold tightly to everything that I learned in China. I’m thinking it might be difficult to integrate them, but it must be done. China has become written in my book, and it holds a special place in my heart. But this post is getting pretty long, so I’m going to call it quits. Hit me up if you have any questions!

Love China =)