Two Weeks with Little Guy

We’ve had Little Guy in our home for two weeks now, and I realize that I’ve been pretty quiet about it on social media. There are two reasons for this: 1) I now have two kids under two, and I barely have time to pee; 2) I’ve been struggling to figure out how to express everything that’s been happening in our lives and hearts. But I realize that people have questions and people want to know what’s going on. We really appreciate your concern and support, so here’s a brief (or not) update.

Two weeks ago, we got a call asking if we could take a one month old baby. We said yes, and he was brought to our house an hour and a half later. From all of my reading, I had come to expect kids to show up with nothing but the clothes on their backs, so you can imagine my surprise when the caseworker handed us bags of clothing, diapers, and formula, all from Little Guy’s parents. The caseworker left shortly after, and we were left bewildered and excited, waiting to learn more at his first court hearing a few days later.

I can’t really share details about Little Guy’s case, nor do I want to. That’s his story. But I can at least share with you how our lives have changed in these two weeks. Probably the most visibly noticeable change is that we now have two kiddos under two years of age. In fact, Pumpkin and Little Guy are about 13 months apart. I know this is doable, and I personally know people who have done it, but oh my word, this is insane. I’ve basically stopped cleaning the house or preparing meals, so I’m pretty grateful that people from our church have been feeding us for the past two weeks. During the day, I focus on keeping both kids clean(ish), fed, and (mostly) happy. I’m lucky if I have time to wash bottles or pick up the toys that I keep stepping on. As if this wasn’t hard enough, we I have to make several trips each week (with both kids) to bring Little Guy to court hearings and visits with family. Fortunately, Pumpkin loves Little Guy. She’s always giving him hugs and kisses, trying to share her Goldfish with him, and asking where he is when he’s napping. There are, understandably, times when Pumpkin does not like sharing my attention. There have been days where she becomes a puddle of tears on the floor while I’m feeding Little Guy, and then gets revenge by stealing his pacifier. She really enjoys being helpful, so I’m trying to encourage her to “howp” by handing me burp cloths or other things I need. I love these two dearly, but I still feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water, so I’m grateful that Judah has a three day weekend for the holiday.

Probably the biggest change we’ve experienced is the emotional baggage that we carry with us every second of the day. This is the part that I didn’t really want to write about, because it’s so difficult to sort out these feelings. We met Little Guy’s parents a few days after he was placed with us, and it quickly become evident to us how much they loved and missed him. I cried every day for a week after that, thinking about how sad his parents were. Christmas was really difficult, because I knew they were missing their son’s first Christmas, and I knew how upset they were. It’s been two weeks now, and Little Guy’s mom has been working really hard, and I feel pretty optimistic for her, but still every moment, every interaction is framed by the thought, “This is someone else’s son. Someone else is missing out on his smiles and snuggles, and they are heartbroken.” Kinda puts a damper on your mood… Honestly, how do you say, “Have a nice weekend,” when you know they won’t, because you’re walking out the door with their son?

The goal of foster parenting is reunification. Everyone knows this. But I think secretly, everyone’s minds go straight to adoption. When people ask us, “how long will he be with you?” you can see the hope in their eyes, and you know they’re wondering if it will be forever. And when we answer, “His parents are working very hard and doing a great job, so we don’t think he’ll be with us for long,” people generally look crestfallen. This is an understandable response. Before we became foster parents, we had a similar attitude: knowledge that this is about reunification, but also hoping for something else. But just in the past few weeks, that attitude has changed radically. For us to adopt Little Guy, so much would have to go wrong for his parents. And that would be truly tragic, far more tragic than us having to say goodbye to him eventually. So, we hold him and love him, and every day we pray for his parents, and we pray that one day, we will be able to say goodbye to him. It will hurt when that day comes, but I fear that not saying goodby would hurt more.

We are still processing all of this. A lot is happening very quickly, so that’s why we’ve been pretty silent on this. Honestly, when people ask how things are going, the easiest answer is “We’re pretty tired, but things are okay.” Because otherwise, the answer is far too complex. But, this is what we signed up for. This is foster care.