Scary Words
So Halloween is right around the corner and I am totally not excited. I hate scary things. I have no tolerance for scary movies, haunted houses, and so on. I usually end up with nightmares… if I can even get to sleep. So of course we have an entire holiday devoted to ghosts and ghouls and all other manner of scary things.
But you know what’s really scary? Tumors. Tumors are scary.
I waited a long time to write this blog post. I thought about writing it sooner, and sharing my anxieties with you, especially since this is a blog about courage. But every time I thought about writing it, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because it was just too scary. I guess I just had to wait till I was safe. And yes, I am in the clear now.
Several months ago I noticed a lump in my throat. I avoided thinking about it or looking at it, because hey, ignorance is bliss, right? Well, I couldn’t ignore it for too long without an uncomfortable feeling that I should really get it checked out. So, I went to the doctor, who sent me to the dentist, who sent me to the oral surgeon, who sent me for a CT scan, and then sent me to the ENT doctor, who sent me for a biopsy. I spent the entire summer trying desperately not to think of what the heck the lump was. None of the doctors could give me a concrete answer. And that was scary. I heard lots of words that at first were really scary, like tumor, cyst, biopsy, etc. But strangely, as time went on, they became less scary. Two weeks ago, when I finally heard the results of my biopsy, they weren’t scary at all. In fact, the word “benign” takes away from basically all scariness. To learn that I had a benign tumor in my salivary gland was, in fact, a huge relief.
However, don’t be fooled into thinking that I’m not scared anymore. I still have to get the tumor removed, and I don’t really fancy having the necessary surgery. Tomorrow, Judah and I are going up to Boston to meet with the surgeon and learn more about our options. I get a little queasy just thinking about it. The biopsy was scary enough (eight needles, folks, straight into my neck), so how much worse will the surgery be? Yes, I will probably be knocked out, but that’s scary too. I’ll be glad when it’s all over.
Over the past few months, I’ve realized that it’s so much easier to be brave when you have people who love and support you. I received quite a few little emails and text messages from people checking in and letting me know that they are praying for me. And having Judah by my side throughout this process has been immensely comforting, and I really don’t know how I could have done it without him. He has been there for multiple appointments, and even bought me doughnuts and chai after my biopsy. Although this situation certainly could be a lot worse, it has been pretty scary at times, so I am grateful to have the support of my family and my friends in this journey.
Thank you. =)
But you know what’s really scary? Tumors. Tumors are scary.
I waited a long time to write this blog post. I thought about writing it sooner, and sharing my anxieties with you, especially since this is a blog about courage. But every time I thought about writing it, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because it was just too scary. I guess I just had to wait till I was safe. And yes, I am in the clear now.
Several months ago I noticed a lump in my throat. I avoided thinking about it or looking at it, because hey, ignorance is bliss, right? Well, I couldn’t ignore it for too long without an uncomfortable feeling that I should really get it checked out. So, I went to the doctor, who sent me to the dentist, who sent me to the oral surgeon, who sent me for a CT scan, and then sent me to the ENT doctor, who sent me for a biopsy. I spent the entire summer trying desperately not to think of what the heck the lump was. None of the doctors could give me a concrete answer. And that was scary. I heard lots of words that at first were really scary, like tumor, cyst, biopsy, etc. But strangely, as time went on, they became less scary. Two weeks ago, when I finally heard the results of my biopsy, they weren’t scary at all. In fact, the word “benign” takes away from basically all scariness. To learn that I had a benign tumor in my salivary gland was, in fact, a huge relief.
However, don’t be fooled into thinking that I’m not scared anymore. I still have to get the tumor removed, and I don’t really fancy having the necessary surgery. Tomorrow, Judah and I are going up to Boston to meet with the surgeon and learn more about our options. I get a little queasy just thinking about it. The biopsy was scary enough (eight needles, folks, straight into my neck), so how much worse will the surgery be? Yes, I will probably be knocked out, but that’s scary too. I’ll be glad when it’s all over.
Over the past few months, I’ve realized that it’s so much easier to be brave when you have people who love and support you. I received quite a few little emails and text messages from people checking in and letting me know that they are praying for me. And having Judah by my side throughout this process has been immensely comforting, and I really don’t know how I could have done it without him. He has been there for multiple appointments, and even bought me doughnuts and chai after my biopsy. Although this situation certainly could be a lot worse, it has been pretty scary at times, so I am grateful to have the support of my family and my friends in this journey.
Thank you. =)
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