The Insanity of Stay-at-home Momhood

Picture this.

Baby lays on the changing table, trying to poop. She cries, because she can’t, and it hurts. Mother looks on helplessly, swimming in guilt because she knows this is her fault. Baby can’t choose what types of food to eat; Mother does. And it’s her fault that her food choices have made Baby constipated. Mother weeps inwardly and vows to buy baby prunes later that day.

Mother changes Baby’s diaper and sings her a song before laying her down in her crib for a nap. Forty minutes later, Baby is still awake and crying, despite Mother’s best efforts at shushing, patting, and comforting Baby. Mother gives up and takes baby downstairs to play. She quickly realizes that Baby is exhausted and needs to nap. She changes Baby’s diaper again, and realizes it’s dirty and that is why Baby wouldn’t sleep before. She puts baby down for a nap again, and Baby falls asleep quickly, over an hour later than planned. Mother steals quietly out of the room to take a breather. Fifteen minutes later, Baby wakes up and refuses to go back to sleep.

Baby is playing on the floor. Mother gets a new toy out of the bin and tries to play with Baby. Baby puts the toy in her mouth. Mother gets a different toy out, and tries to engage Baby with the toy. Baby puts the toy in her mouth. Mother reads a book to Baby. Baby puts the book in her mouth. Mother tries practicing baby sign language. Baby puts her fingers in her mouth. Mother sings a fun song to Baby. Baby puts another toy in her mouth. Mother gives up trying to be fun and lets Baby put everything in her mouth.

Mother really wants to go out somewhere and spend time with other adults. Some other moms are getting together for a fun activity, but Mother knows that if she goes, Baby will not get the nap she so desperately needs. Mother sighs. It’ll have to wait for another time.

You’ve just caught a glimpse of what my days look like. What every day looks like. Probably some of you are thinking, “Yeah, and? What’s so special about that?” Exactly! Nothing! Being a stay-at-home mom is honestly kind of mundane. I graduated college almost five years ago, with a social work degree in hand, thinking I was going to change the world. And now I spend all day, every day, managing the bodily functions of a tiny, slobbery, nonverbal human.

I know what you might say. Oh but Jane, you are changing the world. You’re making a difference in the life of a child. To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you are the world. Motherhood is a ministry. Motherhood is a sacred calling. You are so lucky to be able to stay home. Taking care of your children is rewarding. You are teaching someone what it means to be human, on the most foundational level. Believe me, I tell myself these things all the time. But that doesn’t change the fact that my world has been completely turned upside down.

Guys, this is hard. I knew it would be hard. But this hard? I question my sanity on a regular basis. I question my purpose in life. I wonder if I have depression. Is this postpartum depression? Can I be depressed but still be happy sometimes? Why am I doing this whole stay-at-home-mom thing? Am I wasting my hard-earned education? Why do I exist? Is life more than naps and dirty diapers? Who am I?

Everything that I thought I knew about myself feels like it’s crashing and burning around me. There are days that I feel like I’m drowning. And then there are days when I feel like maybe I can figure this stuff out. Maybe I can figure out who this new me is, and what my new life is. But it’s all very confusing.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been baking and decorating cakes and cupcakes obsessively.

Maybe that’s why part of my hair is dyed teal.

Maybe that’s why I blast the Moana soundtrack in my kitchen.

Maybe that’s why I’m binge-reading the Eragon series during nap time.

Maybe that’s why I signed up for a mommy and baby Barre class.

Guys, please do not ever judge a mom who decides to work instead of stay home with her children. Because this is hard. Not just a there’s-a-lot-of-stuff-to-do-and-I’m-tired hard. For some people, it’s an I-don’t-know-who-I-am-anymore hard. I’m sure there are moms out there who take to stay-at-home momhood like a duck to water. To them, I say poo on - no, I mean good for you. I confess that I’m a little envious of moms like this. Unless in reality, they too feel like they’re falling apart on the inside and are just good at hiding it. (Spoiler alert: that’s why I’m writing this. I’m not going to hide it.)

Yet, as hard as it is, I just can’t give up. Every time I feel hopeless and tired and confused, I see her face.

And she stares into my soul like this, and I melt. I know I could never leave her, and I could never be anything but a stay-at-home mom. I like to watch other moms who have come out on the other side of stay-at-home momhood, and realize that they have such full hearts and whole minds, and it gives me hope. Maybe it’s just the baby stage that’s so hard. Maybe it’s just the adjustment of being a first time mom. Either way, I’ll keep going, even when things are so difficult, and someday maybe I’ll feel like myself again. Until then, I’m just going to keep taking silly pictures, singing Disney songs, and snuggling my precious little one.