This Time Last Year: Excerpts From My Pregnancy Journal

This time last year was the start of a brand new adventure for me: pregnancy! It was not a very fun time, to be honest, but I tried to document it as best I as I could. I did pretty well for a few weeks, and then gave up when I felt completely overwhelmed by morning sickness and moving to a new home. But anyway, I thought I’d share some excerpts with you from my pregnancy journal. Turns out all I thought about was food. Not much has changed.

January 14th, 2016

5 Weeks Pregnant

Last night was pretty much the onset of my “morning” sickness. I had previously been feeling nauseous, but last night was the first time I threw up. Today, I felt terrible all day. Basically, I never want to eat anything ever again. Except bagels with cream cheese. That’s pretty much all I’ve eaten today.

January 19th, 2016

6 Weeks Pregnant

I hate this. I really hate this. My morning sickness is not just in the morning. It’s all day. I consider myself lucky if I can choke down some food, even luckier if I can keep it down. Sunday was really discouraging because I felt ok about how much I had eaten that day, but then in the evening I lost my entire dinner AND lunch. WHY?!? I’m so discouraged. Everyone that I talk to says stuff like, “Yeah, I didn’t really have morning sickness” or “I loved being pregnant” or “I just took good care of myself”. Yeah well, I’m taking care of myself too! I took my vitamins too! AND NONE OF IT HELPED. So I feel like a failure as the stereotypical “glowing” pregnant mama. Even morning sickness is made out to be cute and funny in all the movies. IT’S NOT. Vomiting all the time is not funny. Feeling hungry and weak all the time because you can’t keep any food in your body is not cute. I’m not even excited about being pregnant. I hate it, but I’m not supposed to hate it. I’m supposed to love it and be so excited. Yes, I want to hold my child at the end of it all, but I hate what I’m going through now! People tell me it will be worth it but that does NOT make it easier. Also, how am I supposed to manage work like this? How am I supposed to care for and teach children with autism if I can’t keep myself from puking all the time? Oh second trimester, you can’t come soon enough.

(Side note from current me: HA! I thought it would end in the second trimester…)

(Another side note from current me: I was so proud of this tiny bump. Little did I know how much of a planet I would turn into.)

January 25th, 2016

7 Weeks Pregnant

I've been on new prenatal vitamins and morning sickness medication for almost a week now. I don't feel great, but it's definitely helping. I still feel an aversion to most foods, but I can at least keep some things down, like toast, applesauce, potatoes, and bland chicken. It's funny, though, because at some points during the day, I want to eat EVERYTHING. What I most want is a strawberry milkshake, Papa John's pizza with garlic butter sauce, and Roxbury cheese fries. OH ROXBURY CHEESE FRIES. I need you. Except I'm pretty sure most of this stuff would make me sick immediately. But, one can dream. Literally. I can't stop dreaming about food. The other night, I dreamed about ice cream sundaes, pizza, and milkshakes. And then, in my dream, I went to “Jennie’s restaurant” and had a grilled cheese, french fries, and a strawberry milkshake. It was beautiful. Also a huge disappointment when I woke up. Last night, there were nachos, more pizza, Roxbury cheese fries, and more. It was amazing. Anyway, Judah is out shopping right now. He’s getting me canned pears. I’m excited to have something besides carbs and applesauce. When I first found out I was pregnant, I had all these grand ideas of how I was going to eat really healthy foods. We made hard boiled eggs and bought dark leafy greens. I researched pregnancy “superfoods.” Now, the thought of eating a salad is repulsive. Like, I suddenly feel sick right now. HOW DID I ENJOY EATING LEAVES BEFORE?!? So I’m hoping things work out with these pears, because I need to have some sort of fruit in my diet. Gosh, being pregnant is hard.

Also, I forgot to mention that last night, Judah set my toast on fire.

January 26th, 2016

7 Weeks Pregnant

I think some moms find it exciting to keep this secret with their spouses for a while. But I don’t find it exciting. The first trimester has been very lonely for me. All of these changes are happening to me. This baby is taking over my life, and I don’t even have a say in it. I eat differently, I sleep differently, I go to the bathroom differently, I watch movies/read books differently. Everything about me is changing and there’s nothing I can do about it. The only people that know and that I can talk to about it are very, very far away.

On a different note, is there anything really wrong with eating three grilled cheese sandwiches in one day? I think not.

February 6th, 2016

9 weeks pregnant

It’s been a little while since I’ve written, so I have some catching up to do. On Monday, Feb. 1st, we had our first ultrasound. It was super quick, but every second of it was amazing. I couldn’t believe that we were seeing our little jelly bean baby right before our eyes! It looked rather like a cross between a shrimp and a gummy bear. It could be an alien. But it was OUR BABY! And then we heard the heartbeat and I cried. It was truly an amazing experience.

Yesterday, breakfast was fine, but I wasn’t able to keep down lunch or any snacks in the evening. I was able to keep down some cream of wheat for dinner, but only because I was very careful (i.e. staying still for a long time after eating, then going straight to bed and falling asleep before I could get sick.)

February 7th, 2016

9 weeks pregnant

Yesterday, I only threw up once, which is pretty good. I also took a nap, which was great. As I was laying there, drifting off to sleep on the couch, I was in kind of a grumpy and miserable mood (I mean, considering how awful I’ve been feeling, that’s not too surprising), but I looked around and I saw the bright blue sky through the window. And the living room was so full of light. Everything was so beautiful, peaceful, and calm. And the hymn came to mind: “For the beauty of the earth, for the beauty of the skies, for the love which from our birth, over and around us lies, Lord of all to Thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise.” And I realized that although I am feeling miserable, I also have so many things to be thankful for. It was a beautiful thought to fall asleep to.